


the master of my fate

by superfluouskeys



Series: 7 Days of Fic for 777 Followers [3]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-31
Updated: 2017-03-31
Packaged: 2018-10-13 04:00:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10505931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/superfluouskeys/pseuds/superfluouskeys
Summary: Solona wonders about a future she never dared to dream of, while Leliana wonders about a past she can't quite reconcile.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is a bit of character building, plus a prompt response to "total control" though I clearly interpreted it pretty loosely. I've grown a bit attached to my new Amell though, so I'll probably write something a bit more substantial for them in the future!

Solona wondered whether there might still be a part of her somewhere, buried deep or rendered numb from overuse, that feared death.  She remembered when thoughts of the end of her existence as she knew it terrified her.  The threat of Tranquility kept her up at night, dragged her from the Fade in a cold sweat, rendered her forever too afraid to set one foot even close to the line, until she’d tumbled over it headfirst, quite accidentally.

Now the feeling was more like a distant memory of that, like a fondness left over from childhood, so dear at its origin that the echo still remained in one’s heart.  No longer truly felt, but felt so often before that she could remember what it might be like to feel it again.

In truth, it was for Leliana that Solona feared.  An odd thought, perhaps, for Leliana had gotten along just fine for the entirety of her life before they met.  But she was much changed, even now.  Darker somehow, like there was a weight upon her shoulders that had never been there before, and it dragged so heavy upon her soul that it had already left permanent markings in its wake.

Leliana looked to her for guidance now, and Solona did not personally think she had ever been equipped to provide it.  She vowed to stay at Solona’s side as though Solona would lead her somewhere, as though Solona had anywhere to go now that this mess that had so consumed her life was over and done with.

As though Solona had other plans.  Ever.  At any point.

Her plan, her grand scheme, had been to be a good mage and remain in the Circle where she belonged.  If not for Jowan, she’d have become a full Enchanter.  She was either well-liked or barely noticed by her elders.  She’d have been able to carve out a good, simple little life for herself.  Teach one of the subjects she liked best, perhaps.  Take up a research project.  While away her days curled up in some secluded corner of the library, reading about ancient Tevinter or the Witch of the Wilds or the magic of the Elvhen…the possibilities had been endless, yet comfortably finite.

All she’d needed to do was to pass her Harrowing, she’d thought, and all the fear and uncertainty would melt away.

She thought maybe that was how Leliana viewed the world sometimes, like if she could just find the one big problem to fix or the one big person or concept to trust completely, then everything else would just resolve itself. But she didn't know how to say that without sounding unkind, and she was certain Leliana had heard quite enough unkind things hurled her way to last a lifetime.

It was funny that Solona should think fondly upon the Circle just now, for she had no great longing to return to it.  When it was all she knew, she thought people utterly mad for dreaming of another life, or worse, of escape.  But now that she was free of it, now that that world was safely, terrifyingly closed off to her forever, she could see quite clearly all the indignities she viewed as routine, the cruelties she viewed as necessary.  She could even bring herself, begrudgingly, sorrowfully, to feel grateful to Jowan for his entreaty to her all those months ago.  Unbeknownst to himself and to her, he gave her a chance at a better life than she could have ever even conceived of.

So she sat here, off to the side, at a celebration meant for her, staring blankly at the opposing wall and poking idly at her food, keenly feeling Alistair’s absence like a gaping hole in her gut, even though he annoyed her to no end most of the time, and trying in vain to think of some way to move forward from here, to turn an ending into a beginning.

If not for herself, then for her nightingale.

* * *

 

Leliana had never thought of herself as the sort of person who could command much of anything.  When she was younger she'd been uncomfortable having anyone under her control.  Some bards were intoxicated by the notion that a word from their lips could be the deciding factor between life and death.  Leliana found it more than a little horrifying.

She'd been content to follow, then.  Marjolaine, the Chantry, Solona, the Divine...she had been weak, once.  She had not seen the practicality, the give and take of death and betrayal.  Now, she had more control.

Or so she liked to think, anyway.  Her charade of total mastery of herself all sort of crumbled at her feet when Solona woke up screaming, and only stopped screaming to weep; when she found the confirmation she'd known from the start, that this was the Calling coming for her year, decades too soon; when they'd only just been granted a moment's respite from chaos just to be thrust into the thick of it yet again.

Solona was happier when it was quiet.  So much so that the difference was almost jarring.  Leliana had learned to keep most forms of everyday chaos from her.  Solona had positively thrived, and Leliana had blossomed under the warmth of feeling so wonderfully needed. 

But this, Leliana could not control.  This she could barely even understand. 

Indeed, only when she watched her beloved fracturing before her did she realize how positively whole Solona had become in recent days.  Solona wept bitterly into Leliana's shoulder of old, half-forgotten wounds, of how all she'd ever wanted was to stay in the Circle and stay out of trouble.  And Leliana realized as Solona unraveled against her how very much she had still relied on Solona for strength, for direction, for leadership.

Only then did she realize how flimsy, how fragile, how positively farcical her guise of control had been.

Now they were parted, and the days without her dragged on grey and empty, and Leliana had a veritable army of spies and contacts at her command.  Total control.  Her agents lived and died by her word.

Sometimes when she looked out over the turbulent sea, she remembered a younger shadow of herself, one who would never have dreamed of controlling anything, and one who believed in her heart that she had everything around her totally under control.


End file.
